Ordering Etiquette

I continue in my underemployment adventures (though the interviewing has picked up as of late - nibble nibbles, no bites.). 

Do you ever worry that the people providing service to you are judging you?  It is true. We are.  Here are some things I will judge you for as a barista and friendly neighborhood food service provider:

·      I work at a Southern bakery/cafe with heavy New Orleans influence.  This means thick cut smoky bacon, flaky buttery croissants, homemade mocha syrup composed of heavy whipping cream, bittersweet chocolate and decadent cocoa powder, a Muffalotta brimming with salami, mortadella, smoked ham, aged provolone and olive salad, sweet dough deep fried and smothered in powdered sugar... You get the picture. This is why it is asinine to ask the following:

o   “What do you have that is low fat or sugar free?”

This is one of those questions where I barely manage to cover the smirk as I deadpan “Nothing.” I guess people could get a salad (just leaves) with no dressing.  If someone wants seven subs for less than seven grams of fat each, Subway is a block north.

·      Large Breve drinks. Breve in this instance refers to an espresso beverage made with half and half. A large is 16 ounces.  Every time I have to aerate 14 ounces of half and half, my tummy hurts a little.

·      Speaking on your cell phone the entire time you order. Its exceptionally rude and I have to bite my tongue every time it occurs.  Thankfully, it is not a common occurrence.

·      Decaf. Soy. Anything. I’m sorry.  I know there are lactose intolerant people out there who can’t have caffeine.  Its just that from a taste standpoint, this gives me a sad. :(

·      Refusing to believe me when I say that we are out of something.  “But I see that person over there has some!”  This is when I take a few breaths and explain, “That person has x food item because they ordered it before you.”  It’s a simple matter of supply and timing.  I cannot produce what you desire out of thin air.  God, if I could create jambalaya out of thin air I would be a millionaire!! I would travel the nation making Creole delicacies on demand! At office parties! For weddings! I would also end up morbidly obese but no situation is win win.

·      Reading the menu for ten minutes while you stand in line waiting to order before appearing in front of smiling me and DITHERING for several minutes about what you want to order. I don’t mean taking the time to ask my opinion or soliciting advice, I mean this:

o   “Hmmm I think I will have the gumbo. Or maybe not, I am thinking of getting the chicken salad sandwich.  Can I get that without any chicken salad and sub in ham? No… okay what about the seasonal soup? Is it possible to pick the cooked onions out? No? Okay well then I will just have the muffalotta with no cheese or olive salad, no mortadella sub with turkey and can I get that on seven grain bread. No?  Fine, I will have a cup of gumbo and some tap water. “ 

Because I don’t want this to be solely about the things you can do wrong, here is what you can do correctly: Ordering perfectly.  Where I work, this is a perfect order.  I also imagine this will work in many places:

·      “Hello.  How are you?”

o   Yes, a greeting. An interest in my well being. Politeness.

·      “I would like a muffalotta, a side of potato salad, a sweet tea and a salty peanut butter cookie for here. Thank you.”

o   You have eliminated the need for me to ask several follow up questions (“Are you having that here with us”, “Would you like anything to drink?” and “Can we get anything else for you?”)  Its. Perfect. A thing of beauty.

A great order makes me happy every time. That and realizing that the person who is ordering from me is actually treating me like a human being.  Its the little things...